Brewing Up Some Good Stuff

Today I’ll be venturing, once again, into the wet and wild world of beer brewing. Which, I know, sounds very exciting and sexy, but in reality is just good, clean fun. Gotta keep it clean or the brew won’t brew and all you end up with is a bucket of brown piss with a hoppy finish… bleh.

I have two brews to brew today, and when I received the kits, I was less than thrilled. I’ll put that in a more easy to understand formula, for all you mathheads out there:

me < thrilled

The causative factor of the above formula is this: all that was delivered in my much anticipated brew package is two cans of concentrated, and pre-hopped, wort with a couple of packets of yeast. Wort (pronounced like “wirt”, as in “Add the hops, son, or yer wort gone taste like dirt.”) refers to the unfermented liquid extracted in the mashing of malted barley. What I got is like a can of soup… just add water. Or a cheat when you’re playing whatever may be the big online animated game of the season. World of Warcraft is a biggie, or at least that’s what I’ve heard, since I’m not much of a game player. HEADgames, yes, online role-playing games, nah. Couldn’t be further from my circle of interest.

But I digress.

My point is, the cheat, while getting you exactly where you want to be in a shorter and probably less frustrating period of time, is called a cheat because you skip lots of steps in the process and get to a level that you didn’t really earn. So, basically, I got a can of beer cheat delivered via FedEx which now I’m going to ferment.

Ok. Yes. I realize I sound like a total hypocrite here, because yes I will add the yeast and ferment it, and yes I will drink and enjoy it. And yes, if it turns out to be truly scrumptious and incredibly tasty I will boast that I brewed it myself. But I won’t feel good about myself while I’m boasting. I make that pledge to you, dear readers, on this very day.

I blame this irrational need to be completely honest and forthright, on my mother. Or maybe my father. Or maybe on my brothers; they got in trouble all the time and since I was the only girl it was my role in the family to be “the good one”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can tell a “story” as my grandparents used to call it, but there’s always a stupid little bird sitting in the back of my head chirping

‘liar! liar! you’re LYING! ya big fat liar! liar.’

I’d shoot the damn thing but guns scare me. Plus, my mom always had this rule that “if you shoot it, you eat it” and I’m pretty sure it’s not a turkey or a chicken, so…

But back to the homebrew. A friend of mine gave me an old kit that he had for years and never used, so I have some grains and hops and I may just make a grand experiment of my beer cheat. An ex-BEER-iment, if you will. And, oh man, how can I make “I’m a big dork” sound any sexier than that?

Not possible.


THE END

Ummm... P.S. I tried to work in a "word geek" word today, as I'm wont to do, but couldn't seem to fit it in. So, I've written this post script for just that purpose. Did you spot the word?? Aaaoohhh. Good fa you!