Deconstructing a Winsome Smile

At work the other day, a very dear 89-year-old man said the following to me: "I keep asking you all of these questions, but I'm not really listening to the answers. I'm only trying to keep you in the room because you have such a winsome smile."

And now you know why I described him as dear, and it's absolutely true, right?

And after the twinkle and glow wore off my smile, I realized a few things:

• I'm a sucker for a nicely worded compliment.
• My vocabulary usage is limited and bland.
• I've never used winsome in a sentence and therefore only have a vague understanding of it's meaning.

Obviously, I had to look up winsome on Thesaurus.com. Though my little pea-brain usually connects like words fairly well, it is only pea-sized, so I'm not always certain the connections are valid, working, or otherwise correct. I remember thinking: Well. Winsome sounds close to winning so it has to be close in meaning, too. When I found winsome on the aforementioned website, I was happy to know that while winsome denotes "pleasing and charming", winning denotes "pleasing and victorious". Pea-brain Power! At least I was pretty damn close.

It's a shame, really, that the poetic side of the English language is dying out, along with those who remember WWII (first hand) and what it was like to walk over to the TV and manually turn the channel to choose from one of the 3 or 4 channels available. It's poetic injustice, if you don't mind my saying.

So, I'm here today to start a verbal revolution!

Tired of limiting yourself to monosyllabic, slang-ridden language usage?

Join me! Today! I want to help you make a lasting change!

Amaze friends! Entertain family! Impress colleagues!

When you try my innovative program, Snosetta Stoned,

you'll quickly learn how I can help you change the way you communicate

and change your whole outlook on life!

Here are some fantastic examples:

Example #1 Whack: adjective; appalling in nature, unconventional. "Yo, that's whack." 

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the exchange:

"That's whack!"
"Wickity whack?"
"No. The regular kind."

But whack is plain overused. Here are some of my favorites to swap for whack:

1. Substandard. Use of this word is not only a more specific way of categorizing your dismay, but three syllables is always better than one if you're trying to impress the ladies!
2. Fallacious. You know how I know your vocabulary skills suck? You read this as fellatio. No gutter-brain, no one's talking about oral satisfaction here, this is just another fancy way to say whack.
3. Lousy. Now, you may correctly point out that this word originated as slang. But let me just point out that was a long-assed time ago and so I really don't care. But yes, it's true lousy was originally louse-y, meaning full of lice. So. What's worse than being full of lice?? I can't think of much.
4. Here are some of the runners-up, the also ran as it were, for favorites to replace whack: godawful, crappy, dreadful, diddly squat.

Example #2 Slut: Refers to a sexually promiscuous person, usually female. "That slut is easy like Sunday morning."

1. Unbridled. Hmmm, not sure how I feel about describing a woman as unbridled, because that begs the question, "Does she need to be bridled and, therefore, reined in?" and, also "If she does, whose job should that be?" The men reading this will no doubt say "a man", but since men generally like the unbridled women, I think we're in the territory of a circular argument. Men.
2. Wanton. I can honestly say I have never heard this word ever used in a real, live conversation. Except, of course, in relation to soup, but you may point out it's WONTON soup. But the idea of soup of a wild, steamy sort makes me giggle, so hence forth chinese soup with dumplings will always be WANTON to me!
3. Licentious. Is it just me? Or does this word just sound dirty and easy and loose? I like it! We'll call this an absolute favorite. Please don't worry about the spelling (is the ssss sound a 'c' or an 's'? and shus might be cous, cious, tous, tious....) you don't need to know how to spell the damn thing to use it in conversation.
4. Again, here are the runners-up: debauched, fast, indiscriminate, promiscuous.

Example #3 Wasted: To be EXTREMELY intoxicated from the use of alcohol or drugs. "That guy is so wasted, he can hardly stand up."

1. Befuddled. I like this word. It reminds me of Mary Poppins' Uncle Albert... remember? He's the one who laughed so hard then floated up to the ceiling! He always seemed a little "into his cups" to me, even before I knew what "into his cups" meant.
2. Tanked. Tanked? As in, he jumped into the vat of beer and came out drunk? Perhaps it was a shortening of an olfactory observation of the inebriated: he stank of the brew. Or maybe like the stock market "tanked" this time last year, it fell hard and fast, so if he's tanked he's a falling down drunk. Pick your favorite. I'll wait....
3. Inebriated. Definitely the most to the point. But as this word is most likely to appear on some sort of legal summons, we won't dwell on it. It's not a nice or friendly word. Descriptive, but not friendly.
4. Also rans: boozed up, plastered, tight, tipsy, totaled.

Example #4 Awesome: Something Americans use to describe everything. "Oh wow it's just awesome."

This is probably the most overused word in the American English Language. It's used to describe a dog, a sunset, a lucky beer-pong toss, a favorite song..... I could go on and on, but I won't. I'm almost as tired of this word as I was of the word empowered a few years ago when everyone thought Oprah was the best of the most socially conscious celebrities. Gag. Puke. Hurl. So let us, dear readers, replace this tired word with some others:

1. Breathtaking. Now. Really? Is there anything more descriptive as breathtaking? If something is so... so... whatever, that it literally takes your breath away, you can't get any better than that, right? However, cornball alert! If a man described anything about me as breathtaking, I'd roll my eyes, laugh at him (not with, mind you, at), and walk my breathtaking ass the other way.
2. Stupefying. I'm pretty sure this word fell out of favor because next to poor, the worse thing you can be in America is stupid. Wow, that sunset!! I was struck stupid! Mmmm. No. Care should be used when using this word. It's very specific and true perfection, when used in the correct sense. But, IF you are one to let the words roll off your tongue before you think about what you're saying.... stay well clear of stupefy.
3. Grand. We don't hear this one everyday, now do we? Unless we're talking about a grand piano, or the Grand Canyon. And on that thought: if anything is awe-inspiring enough to warrant the use of a replacement word for awesome, it's definitely the Grand Canyon. It's kind of like God or the Bible. You just don't dare write it without proper capitalization.
4. Second bests: mind-blowing, magnificent, imposing, stunning.

So, with all that said, I need to give props where they're due: I used one of my favorite reference sites, UrbanDictionary.com, as means to find contemporary definitions of all of the aforementioned words, as well as all of those appearing in my righteous new program SNOSETTA STONED.

For any of you out there whose current vernacular is somewhat bland and dated (you may be this man or woman if you still think knee-high tubesocks, high-fives, and "doin' the bump" are the height of hip), you should definitely visit UrbanDictionary.com and spend a few hours in 2009.

I also visited Thesaurus.com and Dictionary.com to find my alternatives. I find both of these sites to be awesome. Umm, magnificent and mind-blowingly grand, that is.

No ones' feelings were intended to be damaged, hurt, or otherwise offended by this blog or by any officer, writer, or representative of SNOSETTA STONED inc. If you believe you are a victim of this injury, please click here.

Oh, and P.S. If you didn't click that last link there, you might want to reconsider. Here's a second chance: No ones' feelings were intended to be damaged, hurt, or otherwise offended by this blog or by any officer, writer, or representative of SNOSETTA STONED inc. If you believe you are a victim of this injury, please click here. ...it's rather a clever little joke, if I do say so myself. 

Winsome Smile - Chris Smither