Little Feisty One’s Tips for the Gentleman Online Dater:

Disclaimer: The following comments are based on real people’s lives and profiles as online daters. If you are or have been an online dater and you recognize yourself in any of the following: how embarrassing… 

Sorry, that didn’t come out quite like I intended, let’s try this instead: these comments are meant to do no harm. And also, PLEASE read on and learn something. Jeez!

There are various and sundry faux pas I have found in the introduction of men’s profiles. I’ve run across such a number of real doozies that I figured it’s the best place to start. So, here we go:

• When writing your introduction, please avoid phrases like “no drama”, “honest and decent”, or “lonely guy” … Basically, you’re advertising that the last love of your life cheated and you’re definitely not over it.
• Even worse? Here’s a romantic little ditty I found: “Ready to Settle”… Wait, what?! You want some wonderful woman to message you and say, “Hey baby, I’m the one for you. I’m the one I hope you’re willing to SETTLE for! I mean, WOW.  I think probably that’s not what the dude really intended, but at the very least he should check out Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style for a little writing help.
• And last, but certainly not least, if the best you have to say to set yourself apart is “I’m a good guy”, maybe go out and get a few hobbies before you start looking for someone to “complete” you? Just a suggestion. But seriously… Your life should really be complete on its own, don’t you think? I mean, if that’s what you’re looking for, don’t come bitchin’ to me when you discover that the woman who “completes” you is mostly looking for someone to complete her bank account.

Choose a profile picture that really exemplifies who you are, but PLEASE keep your shirt on. I’ve seen just too many profiles with shirtless men. Believe you me, even if you have a six pack to shame Arnie Schwarzenegger, it still doesn’t belong in my face like that:

• I will assume you are a shallow man who spends more time in front of a mirror in one morning than I will all month.
• I’ll make a similar snap judgment that you’ve pumped up your ego right along with those abs.
• If you’re really that hot, I’d rather discover that gem of information face to face. Because, hey I’m not shy about admitting my own hypocrisy and I’ll certainly admit that sometimes all I want is a sexy, testosterone soaked lunk of a man to rub up against.

Please use correct punctuation, capitalization, and throw in a little spell-check for good measure. You may be the kindest, sweetest, most perfectly suited man for me, but if you write like a third grader I’ll mark you with a giant red X. An online profile is no place to measure real intelligence, but following those long-agreed upon rules of English writing is at least a decent start.

Ummm, if you have fetishy interests, you might want to look for a “special” dating site for just those interests…. Hey man, to each his own and all that, but I really don’t need to know that you “like to explore both your dominant and submissive sides through role play.” Oh. Yes. That’s a real dater’s profile on your average online dating site. I’m not a master web searcher, but it only took me 0.46 seconds to find a list of 11,600 sites just for this person. Bottom line, though? Trolling on a “normal” online dating site is just plain inefficient and I’m all about efficient. So let me put it to you this way: if you’re out doing your marketing for the week, you’re not going to the butcher shop for hummus, right?

When writing the blurb that describes you, what you like and what you want in a romantic partner please don’t include things like “I like to take quiet walks on the beach” and “I like candlelit dinners” or anything similarly meant to pique everywoman’s interest. Come on. Are you for real? If I wanted to date a woman, I’d be batting for the other team in the first place! I want a real man. I want someone who gets dirty, watches the ball game, and can carry the heavy stuff when I just don’t feel like struggling with it. And there’s another thing: what happens a few months from now, after you’ve convinced Ms. Wonderful that you love these things and that’s how she plans to spend every single solitary shared moment? You’re going to keep fake liking this stuff? C’mon! No. We both know what’s coming: you’ll revert back to spending your time doing the things you actually like doing, which quite possibly is more like watching Nascar and playing “Pull My Finger”. Do you and everyone else a favor and make your profile real and genuine.  That is, unless it involves whips and ball gags. In that case, refer back to Tip #4. Please and Thank You.

P.S. While researching #4 above, I accidentally ran across a Feet Lickers fetish site…. I really wish I could unsee that, and unimagine the pictures that popped into my head :(