Feeling “Under The Weather”

I’ve been feeling lazy, lately… unmotivated, dumpy, down-in-the-dumps, slow-witted, slow-moving. I’ve chosen, though, to call myself “Under The Weather” because it has a better “Aw. Poor thing!” factor than dumpy has. And besides the actual meteorological weather has been gray, cold, and damp and it suits my current mood.

In all reality I have not been lazy. I have a job and I work very hard at that job. I also have a side-job, at which I work more sporadically but equally as hard. Add to this the fact that I singlehandedly take care of three pets, a house, myself, and occasionally a big beefy man who shows up at my door from time-to-time. (BTW, I’ve been told if you start feeding them, they’ll never go away. This may have been my first mistake.)

We won’t mention the yard, in this discussion,  which has seen the underside of a lawnmower much, Much, MUCH too infrequently in the past 12 months to be called anything less than a jungle. No, we won’t mention that yard in this discussion of how lazy I actually am NOT.

At my ripe old age of – no, never mind. Suffice to say that I am beyond girlhood and by now I have learned that there is a vast difference between feeling lazy and being lazy. I may very well feel lazy, yet still drag my lazy ass out of bed at 5:15 a.m. to go work a 12 hour shift. I, also, might feel dumpy and still get my laundry done, make a wholesome dinner, and bottle a batch of beer. You see, and here is the little chunk of wisdom I have to share with you today: feeling and being can be complete opposites.

But let’s get back to the Under The Weather (UTW for our purposes) portion of the discussion again, shall we? I have this theory…. Now hear me out, we all know that yes, I have some real doozies when it comes to theories, but just listen a sec (read on… whatever, don’t be a bitch about semantics, would ya?). It may change your life!

If you claimed to be UTW at every chance when you actually feel lazy and want to be lazy, not only will you be the collector of various and sundry sympathies, you will also be lauded for powering through, despite being UTW. You (and I because it was my idea, dammit) are brilliant and one damn dedicated [insert job title here]! In other words: YOU ROCK!

Plus, and here’s the bonus of all bonuses: not only are you the most dedicated [same job title as above] but you can also get away with sub-par work! Think about it. You can never get away with saying “Sorry. I didn’t get that project done today. I was feeling sooo lazy.” But substitute UTW, and it takes on a whole new spin! “Sorry. I didn’t get that project done today. I was feeling sooo UTW.”

And for any naysayers in the crowd, chew on this! Just TRY to call out lazy! It can’t be done. Well, maybe once, but only that one time. And you better have a date with [insert hottest and most desired celebrity name here]. I’m saying; make it worth your while because you won’t be asked back to that desk ever again! You can call out UTW, however. It happens all the time. Many people prefer to call this a “mental health day” but henceforth, and now I’m counting on my tens of tens of readers, these days will be UTW days. It just so happens that, sometimes, we like it when we can be lazy on a day that we feel lazy!

Disclaimer: Do not try this at home. The previous discussion is meant for entertainment purposes only. If you attempt to use this “advice” during your wrongful termination hearing, not only will you be laughed out of the witness box, but I will be there, front and center, laughing loudest of all!