...and other conundrums.See? I'm a woman of my word. A blog has come to you that, as promised, will dredge the depths of the very edges of the bell curve. In other words, the shit that happens on the "off chance", the zebra in the herd of horses, the oddball, the weirdo, the sore thumb, the little blond italian boy... wait. No. That one was the milkman. Who suddenly went missing. Forget that one...
But anyhow, you get my drift, right? That stuff that almost never happens.
I always want to have a fantastic day at work, that happens almost never. I ALWAYS want to have multiple orgasms, THAT happens almost never. I always want to stop stuffing my face before I am as engorged as a tick that's been hanging, hidden, inside my dog's ear for three days. Once again, that happens almost never.
Ok, you! Fess up. You know darn well you're guilty of one, some, or all of those same problems. I know I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one sitting 3 or 4 standard deviations from the "mean", the average, the ordinary. I know this, mostly, because if you were somewhere closer to the average, you wouldn't be reading this right now. (I'm not the average writer and this is definitely not the average read.)
As much of a "word geek" as I am, also am I a "science nerd". I absolutely love that there are so many different properties, normal and abnormal, that can be demonstrated as all part of the natural way of the world in a simple chart of two axes (axi? axis'?) I love words and I love the bell curve. It's such a simple and graphic and easy to explain little graph. It almost explains itself. Well, if it could talk it would, but as one-dimensional pictures aren't much for conversation, we'll put that in the "actual" almost never file.
I RULED (once) in a comment war about normal vs. abnormal and how it's not an "either or" but a fact of "if one then the other". But the point that I'm trying to make, and not in such a good or straightforward manner as of yet, is that although we humans, and Americans specifically, make a huge deal over the odd stuff, because it is odd and catches our attention because of its oddness, it is factually and mathematically odd because it simply does not occur that often. Think about it: when is the last time you saw actual siamese twins? Sorry, that's conjoined twins, how un-PC of me. And how many of your friends have 11 fingers? Webbed toes? A cat with only 3 lives? They're all unusual. They happen almost never. And all you have to do is look at the beautiful symmetry of the bell curve to see what I mean. Those things all exist, well all but the cat with only 3 lives, I made that one up. But, although they exist you can see the teeny tiny little part of the curve they occupy. It really is miniscule.... as in, happens almost never :) Damn. I love it when I'm right!
Some of us, though, are more drawn to the odd and unusual than others. I, oddly enough, belong in this category. I don't plan things that way. I actually believe that if I were a little more average, liked things to be a little more run of the mill, predictable, even Steven... that my life would be much easier. Alas and alack. I would be incredibly and miserably bored with that kind of life. I dream of it sometimes, and sometimes I even point my life in that direction. For example: I clean off the dining room table and actually eat there; or I pay all my bills on time, balance my checkbook, and wrap my loose change and put it in savings; I've even been known to tidy up the house before bed so it'll be "nice" in the morning.
But I always come to my senses. That kind of living just isn't in the cards for me this time around. I like to fly by the seat of my pants. I'm a big fan of the no-plan plan. Funnily enough, I just found this guy who believes just the opposite. I am his worst nightmare! But that just brings us back to the main point. I can say, we should never have a plan, but that guy would curl up in a ball and whimper uncontrollably. And if the roles were reversed and we always had to have a plan, I'd run screaming into the forest, never to be seen or heard from again.
(Damn. I wish I was finished now, because that would have been a GRAND way to end this thing.)
Ah! What about those other conundrums, you promised us? Well, here ya go:
- How did we elect George Bush, not once but TWICE, into the White House? (Let's say "elect" is a pretty strong word, but we can agree that he lived there for 8 harrowing years, yes?)
- Do dogs with cropped tails have tail envy?
- How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Oh, sorry, that's a tongue twister. But it is a conundrum to me why one would want to twist his or her tongue.
P.S. By un-PC I did not intend to infer that I use a MAC. I am nowhere cool enough for those :( My intended reference was un-politically correct.
And P.P.S I hope to continue my verbal revolution through use of such archaic yet endearing words and phrases as "alas and alack". Join my cause!!
And finally, P.P.P.S. Bated breath? Yes, I always thought it was baited breath too, but I was wrong. Gladly so, this time. When I first typed baited breath, it brought to mind fish, then fish breath and then I thought of my favorite bearded canine who has fish breath. Ewww. Who wants to wait for any long or even short period of time with someone who has fish breath?? Not I.
WAIT! WAIT! I'm not done yet! Here, dear readers is an unabashedly brazen piece of propaganda:
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